


Beaglesaurus

by NoirIblis



Category: Boyz n the Hood (1991), Godzilla - All Media Types, Homestuck, TLC (Band), The A-Team (TV), Tony Hawk's Pro Skater (Video Game), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Art, F/M, Geese, Human Vriska, Kazaa, Other, Skateboarding, Wizards
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:40:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14859032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoirIblis/pseuds/NoirIblis
Summary: What happens when the greatest hero of the 1980s finds the girl he almost has feelings for has been infected by a power most cruel? Can he EVEN?





	1. Beaglesaurus v. Vriska: A Romance to Destroy the Future!

**Chapter I: The Rise of Coda**

Coda, a competely original character (dont stull), was playin them scratch-lottery cards in the parking lot, hiding under her car. She knew better to try & do it while running from them Crenshaw since that's how her boyfriend, Ricky, was shut that was by the Crenshaw. She wiggled her butt in the air, grinding it against the transmission of her A-Team colored Ford Econoline & blew her lips around like a duck "ooooh yeah, i got _another_ free ticket! ZIP ZAP!" she chortled. 

Eons ago though, the Space Wizard Concern stroked their beards & threw them over their shoulders & were generally agreed that shit was gonna be wack if they don't do something about the hottest new hero of the 1980s, Beaglesaurus. Beagle had eaten that magical amulet that he accidentally dropped in his grits. "I mean, shit, this guy is like half-dinosaur or some shit. and Maybe some kind of robot? Fuck, that's some crazy shit right there" they all agreed in unison as they turned off the disco.  
Thus, the Space Wizard Concern sent all their magic into that one scratch-lottery ticket as Coda gasped & fucking screamed, cause she scratched it for like $2 instead of fucking nothing, which was all you usually win with those. Scratching it, she was imbued the mystical power of Vriska, the most powerful and sexual of all the Homestucks. She threw the A-Team Van off of her with her newly, robot arm as she was all like "Sheeeeeeeeit...that's some **hot Snapple**!" she exclaims loudly. Around the corner, Beagle had just finished winning the Best Skateboarding Trophy for Best Skateboarding in a Supporting Role. Beagle totally beefed it though when he caught sight of that **Choice Ass** with the robot arm  & the half-blacked glasses. "Ah shit, that's some totes dope shit fam!" he blurted out as he blushed like a rad gangsta. "Fucking Splash Mountain up in this house!" she shouted down from the heavens as she landed on Earth again. It created a huge crater that Beagle was like "And I thought _I_ beefed it, fam!"

**Chapter II: The Chapter Where Vriska Unbeefs it, Straight Up**

Vriska tossed her crazy 8-sided dice into Beagle's face & he be like "Ouch, fam. Shit, da fuck though even?" Beagle rolls his shoulders & start to waggle his eyebrows, unlocking the mystic words that release his true unburdened form, he uttered, "Tangy Mango Sump Pump Tango!" His body exploded into seven million rainbows, but they got tired of that shit cause it's hard to draw or describe & instead turned into the much easier to render form of **Beaglesaurus** , powered by his robotic neo-robot heart, pumping pure American Friendship through his veins.

Vriska's hot roll of the dice though was so tight as fuck though, that the crater unbeefed itself & started to actually get pretty impressed. Beaglesaurus lifted up his sick sweet shades & be like "That was hot wicked, fam!" as she drew her robotic hand across his cheek, "Whatcha saw about us having some of that hot _sexual activities_ " she said with a hot raspberry on his cheek afterward. Beaglesaurus took the raspberry but violently kickflipped away as he beefed it & smashes a nearby Yugo in his neighbor's yard, "PFFFT, naw, too yolo! Miss me widdat gayshit fam!" He said, blushing as he started spinning in place, his tail slowly giving him the confidence to teleport away. Vriska started eating some sand & threw a house at another house in her anger, "What does that even mean! Yolo isn't even a word! Everyone knows you only live twice **or say it seems! One life for yourself & one for your dreeeeeeeeams!**"

**Chapter 3: The Temple of the Left Eye**

Beaglesaurus couldn't help it. He hadn't _meant_ to call her out like a gnarly shooby, but he couldn't tell her how he _really_ felt. He knew it was Coda underneath that hot grey skin  & sick-ass lookin' horns. He knew that she still had feelings for him. Ever since the day she lost her brother in that accident, he had been there for her, hanging out with her when since he first saw her crying on the street from the passenger seat of his brother's funky Datsun. He had been like the brother that she had lost for all that time. He _wanted_ to deny his feelings for her because of that, but he knew that he would feel that way about her all the time. How he couldn't get her out of his head. But the roughest part was that he _knew_ that _she_ knew about his feelings. He _knew_ that she felt the same way. But with that sort of forwardness that she was suddenly exposing him to, he just couldn't be honest with himself at this point. He broke down on his way through the dense jungles of Neo-Hampton, Ontario he soon arrived at the Temple of the Left Eye. He knew that this was the only way to cure Vriska of the curse that was making her this emotionally-confrontational.

He approached the mighty idol of Lisa Lopes as he bowed before it, "Great L, I plead for you to be hella wicked wit dat magick, fam! I need it to help this girl back home start relaxing & quit making that mad hype like it's _Thirsty Thursdays_ , amirite?!" The Idol lit up, her eyes flashes red as he was like, "Aww, shit, that's too salty..." The Idol of the Left Eye spoke as the ancient statues of T-Boz & Chilli started to reveal themselves from Lake Erie & from Victoria Falls together. "You will be judged according to your actions. " T-Boz told him. "Have you been _chasing waterfalls_?" Left-Eye spoke next "Have you stuck to the rivers  & the lakes that you are used to?"

Chilli spoke of him "But most importantly, Are you going to have it your way or nothing at all?" Beaglesaurus shrugged in a pretty non-commital way, "Fuck...i dunno...that shit seems pretty dope, I just wanna keep shit fresh tight! I mean, you don't want shit being bogus? Don't we all want the world to be piss-ass wicked?" he asks. The three statues glared down at him as their eyes glowed red & like, fucking lasers shot out, shit was crazy, you had to be there, man. Beaglesaurus took a shot in his arm, but luckily it only left like a really awesome scar, so it was like totally worth it, but he be like "Awww shit, sssssssss" doing that hissing sort of breath in when you beef it & your palms scrape on the sidewalk & they ain't bleeding, but it's like really white & you just sit there a bit, like "hsssssssss, fuck that shit hurts" even though you're shit ain't even thrown out like dat be. But anyways, statues were hella fucked on about him. 

"You a scrub!" Left-Eye declared as T-Boz continued "Also known as a **Bustah** " The three statues moaned in unison "No Scrubs. A scrub is a guy who can't get no love from me." Beaglesaurus whipped his tail to swipe back his hair in a cool-ass move & lifted his sunglasses, "Say whaaaaaaaat?!" he said to the camera as the Statues spoke again "First, you have hung out the passenger side" said T-Boz, "Second, you have tried to holler at one." Left-Eye continued. "Third, She don't want your number. She don't want to give you hers." Chilli finished. Beaglesaurus ollied his way up their arms & did a sick 360 nosegrind along the heads of all three statues as their mouths dropped open like "Daaaaaaaaamn, Slun!" as they crumbled into dust. The dust was like "That was some sick-ass moves & they dropped the perfect-ass Ruby of the TLC. "This shit will fix yo girl. She ain't gonna be givin you dat beef on what it is!"

**Chapter IV The Final Conclusion**

Beaglesaurus did a sick manual all the way back to his hometown of Sprankton, Oklahoma & kickflipped his way back to Coda's home. Along the streets, demons were just like, fucking everywhere. Shit was just lousy with demons, like straight fucked, for real. Upon a huge mountain of bones, Vriska sat atop a throne covered in blood, but didn't look like she was really invested in it, "Fuck, this is kinda gross. I mean, it's like _really_ fucking sticky. I mean, I know blood's sticky, but like, I didn't think it would be like a fucking theatre floor, dumbasses be dropping Cherry Coke all over the floor, shit!" The demons nodded like they were saying "Yeah, I been there," as one of them was straight up "Yeah, I been there. Gross..."

Vriska waved her hand as the demons started up another hot dance party as she threw her dice on the floor again. They rolled full 8s again as the earth cracked open and a huge lava monster came out & looked like super-pumped, "Ah shit! Yeah, I know! Ain't this some shit! I'm like made of lava! I mean, ya don't see that shit everyday, do ya?" Beaglesaurus landed his orbital kickflip as he flipped onto his hands & then back forward onto his feet, using his tail like a mustache, "Yeah...that's **actually pretty fucking cool. It's even kinda unique, if you think about it." he said,** intensely. The lava monster took this as a deprecating sarcasm  & his buzz was like legit harshed. "Well shit, ya gotta be like that about it..." the lava monster said as he just closed the big crack in the earth, "Man, don't gotta be a dick about it, jeez..."

Beaglesaurus ollied the skull mountain & knocked it over as he did a sick triple grind along the arms & back of the throne, despite it having a really intricate top on the back. Shit was like real swirly & evil-looking, trust me. The blood all chipped off the throne as Vriska reaches out her robot hand & kissed him on the lips brutally. "Like when did you even manage this shit? I was gone for like...what 8 minutes? Shit, girl be working hard when the Sun on the ground, damn!" He stopped, his dinosaur-lips quivering in pleasure as they started to turn red-hot with lust & apprehension. Steeling all his resolve, he pulls away & whips his tail back into a mustache, "Wait, fam! I n-need to letcha get the hot word from this homeboy!" he stated eloquently. She let him go & then grabbed his shirt, lifting him off the throne & the edge of the building that it was on (cause it was on top of a building, ya know?). "What up?" she asked curtly.

"Bae, I know that you been like fam since shit was whack. I been there for ya from whack to legit & even when shit got crackalackin or not even dishing out like a total turkey if shit was ending up **mad stank**! I just wanna let you hear bae...That I think you be dynamite-hotness  & I just wanna get all up in that business. But this ain't you! I mean, that shit's only worth like $2, I could just give you that much! Vriska dropped the scratch-off ticket as it flew out into the wind. Eons ago, the Space Wizard Concern were all like "Shit, that didn't work. Guess we'll have to wait for the sequel, lol, didn't see that shit coming! Fuck, we're bad at this shit, huh?"

Back in the present though, Beaglesaurus started to eat through his flesh to reveal his dope-ass inner core of Beagle, who picked up Coda, spinning her into a kiss. Even when the bees showed up, Beagle just danced his **magical sex crab dance** and the bees, start started like...moving with it, ya know, like in _Thriller_ when all them zombies just kinda get in on that shit, yeah.! That evening, Coda  & Beagle got mad engaged, fam, & then were like hitched, legit for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This originally was published serialized online at the defunct magazine Funktasia. It also did not have a subtitle, but has been given this one to help differentiate it from its mildly-similar sequels.


	2. The Return of Mechagodzilla

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the dread Mechagodzilla rears his head again & Beaglesaurus' peaceful new life is torn asunder by a dangerous woman who wants him all for herself, can the Archduke of the Skate Park really do what he must to finally?

**Beaglesaurus v. Vriska Deux: The Return of Mechagodzilla**

**Chapter I -- The Flaccid Diamond**

Despite the ensuing return of Mechagodzilla from his recent circumnavigation tour, Beaglesaurus just couldn't stop rapping to his sick beats. He had become so enamored by Mechagodzilla's hot-nasty skills on the oboe that he was _almost_ getting a half-chub.? With his iPod Nano on, he did a sick-wicked 360 manual nosegrind along the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge, heading back home to his old hometown of Oakland, Neo-California. Things had been testy with Coda ever since she changed her name  & moved to the Moon to rediscover just who she really was. It had been a mutual thing, but _had_ it? I mean, he could see her at any time on a Discord call, but that was like...something you had to plan for  & Beagle just wasn't invested in that yet. Mechagodzilla patted him on the back before he got back in his wizard-painted van & took a fat rip off his vape-rig, "That was pretty damn cool of you to give us a ride. I didn't even know dinosaurs could drive, since I'm not really a dinosaur, but a robot posing as a dinosaur." Beagle gave him a soft, knowing nod & tipped his cowboy hat to him, "Oh...I know. It's okay...I don't know how to drive either." Mechagodzilla was stunned by this sudden realization that he crashed his wizard-van into a chestnut tree, breaking his arm, "Ah snap! **Now** who's going to do the Charity Ball! You really fucked me over this time, Beagle!" he spouted as his arm started whipping in circles like a Catherine's Wheel. Beagle merely smirked. He knew that Mechagodzilla would just buy another one  & he wouldn't be that depressed about it later.

Beagle kickflipped the hot shit back across the skinny, not noticing a pair of amber-gold eyes watching him from a patch of poison ivy. Despite her poor choice of hiding place, Mei swore incredibly loudly (to the point where basically anyone could hear her) about her deep, intimate love for Beagle, tearing open her "I ❤ Beagle" Tee, revealing under it was a "I #HankeringAubergine Beagle 100%" Tee instead. She started screaming as she ran down the street, but Beagle didn't notice her; he was too busy thinking about the true meaning of Arbor Day & why the Arbor Day Giraffe **hadn't** arrived in _his_ home province yet! Lightyears away, the King of Cybertron, Tarkus Tarcel, ate a sandwich  & was kinda just relaxing. He wasn't really invested in invading Earth. Earth was like legit hot bae at the time & he wasn't going to get too wizzle-wazzle on that tippy-tang. **_Yet._**  
Emerging from a mailbox nearby though, an ancient Hermit stood carefully. He held out the **Flaccid Diamond** to his eye as he stared through it, his vision increased eight-fold to see the dark mysteries of the world about him. Then some jerk just sort of smacked it out of his hand  & tied his beard to a dog's head, "More like #epicfrail!" he said as the Jerk started swigging his swagger on over to Mei. "Oh shit, it's TV's Mei! I saw you on TV!" Mei be all like "Whatever, that was the cheap shit, I just set those world records to get Bagel's attention, slut" & kicked him in the shin. The Jerk fell over & start gushing blood, Mei _did_ hold the world record for Most People Kicked in the Shin in 12 Minutes with a whopping 73 in a row, so it kinda made sense after all. It didn't help either that he was _really_ unmoisturized. "Ah fuck!" he cried as he started to eat a handful of grass  & dirt from a nearby yard. "Look, skank, I got magic shit. I'll trade you this if you help me do something that's like **super fucked-up evil**." Mei though for a minute  & was straight up like "Hmmm, I could get on top of that shit." The schemes grew tight as they were dank as the **cahoots** just started...

**Chapter...fuck, was it 2? -- The Bae Straight Crae**

"And that's why his **choice ass** is just like **cash**!", said Mei, finishing her own personal, in-depth research conference call presentation on why Beagle was the best man in the tri-state area. The Jerk clapped  & released a soft honking noise. Mei thought that shit was _pretty damn suspicious_ , but overlooked it. She needed the Flaccid Diamond to win Beagle's heart. "So who like even are you, are you like trying to hit on me or some shit?" The Jerk made a confused face & ate one of his shoes as he shrugged like a dipshit, "Fuck man, I dunno. My name is Janus Friis, you may remember me from being the man who created a little thing called **_Kazaa_**?" he said, as if that was impressive. Mei looked behind her, "The fuck's a Kazaa? Is that the video where that blond kid wants to teach you to play an instrument?" Janus Friis froze  & angrily swiped left on his phone. "That's pretty #humblebrag!" he groaned quietly, "I also invented Skype. And that's what I need your help wit, slun! Ya see, after Discord proved that Skype was both inferior, busted as a nut, and like made of scorpions & shit, I killed my business partner & ate his heart to absorb his powers. It turns out making shitty web companies wasn't a very good power, so I punched an old guy. With this magic, you can destroy Discord forever & destroy Beagle as well!" Mei be like "Da FUCK you talkin about?! I **need** that slippery boi on this bod like I need insulin to regulate my body's sugar-intake!" she shouted in his ear. Bleeding from the ear, Janus fell over  & honked again as Mei just like took the Flaccid Diamond from him, "Don't be frontin' like you a player! You ain't gettin **none a'** this booty, cause compared to Beagle, you just a goofball lower than a water-flea!"

Swallowing the Diamond cause she didn't know how that shit works, Mei assumed a form that Beagle got weirdly turned on by the most, The avatar of the **Greatest** & Most Sexual of the Homestucks: Vriska! As her skin turned a dark, dismal grey & her teeth grew into sharp yellowed fangs, her horns sprouted from her skull. "Fuck, this is like a **shitload** more painful than I thought. Ah, piss!" she exclaimed emphatically. Her arm just kinda fell off  & she was like "This might've been a poor decision, shiiiiiiiiiit" as a robot arm grew in its place. Her trendy clothes were replaced by **different trendy clothes** as the glasses started to emerge from her eyes, one of them being like basically fucked now. This was probably not a good idea. "Ah fuck, Beagle I #cryeverytime!" she grunted as she started hunting for fresh blood, the only thing a Vriska can truly be sated by. 

Meanwhile, Tarkus was like pretty much not even in this story. He was like not committing to the part, the fuck? Ok, I think he just left by now. Fucking A.

On the other side of Oakland, Beagle was training his soul by unleashing the bag that Mechagodzilla gave him in the light-novel prequel soon to be released on HD-DVD from your local grocer's freezer! He smelled the sweet, baked-cherry pie flavor of the ultimate substance: **Weed 2: The Sequel to Weed**. Created by Mechagodzilla one day cause he was kinda bored, Weed 2 had all the favorite things you knew about weed, like getting you **mad** stoked about shit that was like chill  & really **thought** about stuff, ya know? However, Weed 2 also had significant improvements on the original, like not smelling fucking horrible all the time  & not making you like **too hungry** (Like you'd probably only eat like half a sleeve of Oreos, so I mean that's a plus)  & if you thought up some dumb shit, when you came down, it was actually still pretty cool though. Beagle knew that drugs were bad, but the dark temptations in his soul drove him to conflict. Could he ever truly be happy without Coda? Could he ever really learn to love again if it meant that he could get hurt? Beagle toked up on that hella-tight ganja & unlocked... **his Final Form...**

**Chapter 3 -- Beagle in the Meme Kingdom**

After taking the Weed 2, Beagle's neo-robot heart was activated, transforming into the hero of all things dope-nasty & Archduke of the Skate Park: Beaglesaurus. However, his evolution in crazy kickflips only ascended further with this new development, altering his chemical DNA hormones until he achieved the **Truest** Level of Friendship. He had become: "Beaglesaurus Rex." But, cause shit was getting _mad_ flipped, he found that his _mind_ had teleported to a distant kingdom, populated by small clicking red monsters  & people who made _pretty bad decisions_ a lot. Atop the highest mountain in the land, The Meme King stood aloft his throne  & used his powerful Staff of Dank to toss an inert white goop onto the face of a commoner, "Looks like he's got cum on his face, lol" & the realm loled for like a few good minutes. It was _kinda_ a thing where you had to be there. Approaching the mountain throne, Beaglesaurus Rex took to one knee cause he saw that in a movie or some shit. The Meme King took off his helmet, revealing himself to be Basketball Legend, Charles Wade "The Round Mound of Rebound" Barkley, who threw a glove at his head, "Quit that shit or you'll be banished to a shitty commercial." Beaglesaurus Rex quit that shit faster then Brad quit that Jennifer... _the **eighth** time, amirite?_

Back on Earth, Beaglesaurus Rex had just ended up falling over, crushing some guy's car & probably some local children or some shit, fuck I wasn't paying attention. Mei, though, didn't recognize this hot, smexy new form & walked right on by, throwing like a huge-ass trident into a car, "Where the fuck he AT?" she asked as Janus tried to catch up with her. It was clear that this shit wasn't going to fly as he clutched his stomach. "Ah shit, girl, I told you, he doesn't live here anymore, he moved across the street into Coda's old house." Mei heard the name & screeched a loud REEEEE to the heavens & the gods were like "Shit girl, cool off!" She picked up the corner of Beagle's House & started throwing her magic dice under it. They all landed on 8, cause that's how that shit go & the House turned into a Sexy **House-Girl**. This was pretty much the _un_ luckiest thing that could happen as Mei's trident flew back to her hand, "What is this, baka gaijin doing to _my_ Beagle? You're trying to get into his pants, slut, how dare you!" she said as she stabbed House-chan with her trident.

King Charles of Memes looked upon Beaglesaurus Rex as he took a hot rip of that Weed 2 himself & was like "You've achieved... **Ultimate Dankage...** But this isn't Weed 2: The Sequel to Weed, Beagle! You done fucked up now!" Beaglesaurus Rex was shocked, mostly cause he didn't tell him his name, was he like watching him or some shit? It turned out, Barkley took his wallet, but he didn't know that shit until it was too late as Charles took all his Yogurt King punchcards, He was gonna eat a fuckton of yogurt drinks on Beaglesaurus Rex's dime. "This isn't Weed 2 at all, this isn't even _regular weed_. This is just oregano  & like pencil shavings, slun." He said as he made that ass clap & threw it in a circle, "Mechagodzilla put so much **Friendship Aegis** into this Fake ass weed though...that it helped you achieve your **Final Form**!" Beaglesaurus Rex gasped "Fuck, I paid him like $80 for this shit! And inflation hasn't changed since 2018, so that's still a lot of money!"

**Chapter 4 -- The Death of House-Chan**

House-chan was like totally fucking dead & Vriska was like _kinda_ like "Step off though" as Janus arrived behind her, cackling as he took her trident. "Ha! I fooled you all along!" Vriska didn't even listen  & just like, yanked it back & stabbed him in the stomach, "You still there? no means no, get your $3 Scooby Snack, 2+2 not knowing what it is ass off a me." Janus was seriously injured by this, because I mean, fuck, that'll pretty much injure anything. That's how stomachs work. Janus' body suddenly opened up as the top fell off, revealing that Janus Friis was a robot, piloted by a Canadian Goose, the most terrifying & evil of all geese. Goose Friis honked angrily & pointed a wing at Vriska "You've gone too far now, this shit costs a lot of money & I lost all my money because Discord is better than Skype. I mean fuck, it doesn't even connect half the time & dropped calls are at an all-time high!" he complained. Vriska threw the dice at him & they glowed... **ominously**.

Back in the Meme Kingdom, Beaglesaurus Rex realized how he could leave the magical distant planet. He thought deeply on the words of King Barkley & realized that he _also_ threw that ass...in a circle! As he did, his tail began to spin like a helicopter  & started to pilot him back to Earth. Truly, the Memes had taught us all something about ourselves. Arriving back on Earth, his mind returned to his body & he woke up & wiped some strawberry jam off his face, Who even leaves like a pallet of strawberry jam on the sidewalk, seriously? Vriska stood atop the defeated form of Goose Friis as he had turned into a Bufflehead, one of Canada's smallest & weakest species of duck. "He can never hurt the world again with shitty programs that seem like a virus if they certainly aren't already!" Beaglesaurus Rex nodded sagely, "Ya know, Vriska, you're all right after all..." he said with a nod. It was at this time that House-chan reached out & shoved a support beam into Vriska's stomach & the tragic finale began, cause shit's rough like that sometimes. House-chan breathed her final words, "I'll always miss you...Beagle...I always wanted to get that shit hot like Splash Mountain...but I was always a House until now..."

House-chan made that noise that means you died & then she died, turning into a huge pile of rubble. Beaglesaurus Rex was like "What even? I didn't sketch you was jelly, fam! House-chan! You were the only fam I ever had ever since my fam died in that horrible industrial fan accident!" he said, hugging a cinderblock. Vriska coughed up like a lot of blood, but it was like a weird teal color, cause it was from Vriska as Vriska picked up her trident & lifted up high. Lightning struck it & she was returned to her normal form as Mei, but that didn't solve that whole fucked-up stomach problem as Beaglesaurus Rex ran to her, lifting her in his tiny dinosaur arms, "Mei! How could I forget you! You were always there for me, slightly behind Coda! I was always ignoring you, but only because I thought you were clingy, obsessive, a little creepy, kind of annoying & you kept trying to steal my socks! Can you ever forgive meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?! I'll love you 5ever...you & me...bae..." He whispered in her ear swiftly as he threw that ass in a circle again, "I know who is behind all this...and he will pay...I know that this was all...Neyo...NEYONEEEEEEEEEEL!!" he screeched as he flew into space to hunt down the Space Queen of the Alien Space People. He knew that he must get die to get his revenge, even if he had to die trying.

Beaglesaurus Will Return in **Counterattack: Beaglesaurus**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally published in the electronic magazine Chumpahula, which is no longer in print. This one was created to bring back the popular concept of the "Vriska Curse" & to address some important political matters. No real, horrible geese were harmed in the making of this story.


	3. Counterattack: Beaglesaurus!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After everything Beagle has had to go through, will all his pain, all his anguish, all of his formerly-rarely expressed fury allow him to get revenge for crimes too horrible to ever speak of?

**Chapter 1: The One Where Beagle Has a Gun**

As Beagle walked out into the rain, slipping on his fish shoes,  & started flapping his trench-coat open & shut, using it to flap-flap into the sky. He had to get his revenge. He had to start his **counterattack** as he started to grunt into his gas-mask. It had been twelve weeks since Mei destroyed the Moon in a jealous rage, creating Old Moon  & Moon 2: The Revenge, a second Moon which was smaller & kinda cuter. A lot of weebs had given it the true name of “Moon-imouto.” Mei's Vriska powers had faded soon after & she sealed herself in a huge crystalline Twinkie, landing in the middle of the African Serengeti. Beagle prepared his two guns, having trained them to be deadly weapons through the deadly art of playing three days straight of **_Shadow the Hedgehog_** 2: The One Where He Has Two Guns, the life-changing sequel to the original game.

Beagle flapped faster as he squealed out to Africa, landing on the back of a majestic giraffe. He had been training for seven minutes to speak to giraffes  & ended up embarrassing himself by asking the giraffe where he put his butt-medicine & why he can't eat cats for snacks. The giraffe whipped his neck violently at Beagle, injuring him grievously. He wouldn't return to Africa for twenty-seven days, tracking down the giraffe & apologizing by hanging a basket of delicate Valencia oranges in a tree. The giraffe politely accepted & swished his **HOT** giraffe can in Beagle's face. Beagle grimaced visibly  & tried to contain his **unbridled arousal**. “oooooh-wee! That's pretty tight in the night, but I can't say it right, fam!” Beagle said, his newest catch-phrase as he starts to kick down the door to the African hideout. Within, a group of warlords were eating some delicate sesame cakes  & enjoying a mid-day tea. Beagle's first rein of tarot was going to start hear. He knew that these warlords were the ones who started the butt-chugging craze that was sweeping the nation anew & knew they had to be stopped. He unleashes a hail of gunfire into the warlords & they died very quickly, saying in unison “Like, fuck man. That really is an interesting opinion you have & we shouldn't have been so quick to write off the capacity of the youth to endanger themselves. We have learned our lesson, that's for sure OH FUCK THAT HURTS!” they said & then died though.

**Chapter 2: The Chapter Where Beagle Doesn't Use a Gun, But Has One**

“Those African vodka-kings were really dicking my nut. This jank is mad hella pisser, fam!” he thought out loud, screaming at the top of his lungs to the city. Neo-Oakland had never been the same since the Moonfall Incident, wherein most of Old Moon had fallen on it & kinda made a pretty loud din & a rather bad mess of things there. Most citizens were mostly surprised how Retro-Angeles was able to survive unscathed, but those arguments were erased with the offer of free ice-cream. Beagle put away his BIG GUN & opened another drumstick, part of the lifetime supply every Neo-Oakland survivor received as he moaned it into his mouth. “I like the butter-pecan ones. That delicate nug of hot butter in the center is so PACKED with flavor! It's what makes my day complete!” he smorks out the door & started flapping into the sky again with his magical trench-coat, cooing softly like a street-pigeon to make his perfect disguise complete.

Landing on the roof of Gotham City PD, New Jersey, he started cringing, cause he totally beefed it hot onto the gravelly rooftop. “Fuck, rooftops suck ass! This is worse than _Jack & Jill_ by Adam Sandler! This is taking the flip out of my hot skinny kick, fam! **I'm pretty gosh-darned miffed!** ” On the roof, his contact, Delete, aka “Delly the Bird,” one of his closest friends from Clown Academy, gave him a bag of rubber chickens, “This isn't very funny, yeah?” he told Beagle as he gripped his chest. Beagle lifted his arms to the sky & flailed them around “My neo-robot heart is betraying me. I have to have it removed by a special doctor or else it won't be special anymore. It'll become a _regular heart!_ ” He said as he gave the Bird a hard tap on his right ankle. “Shit fam! You're the only Big Bird on my Sesame Street.” Delly puts out his candy cigarette against his shoe & then threw it off the roof, “It's raining men out here,” he groaned as he started eating a large purple fruit, “Sometimes you just have to know that the Weather Girls are right.” Beagle whined out in a high-pitched squeak & whipped his hands into his pockets & started flapping again into the sky, “NO! Beagle! You can't just try to **dinosaur** all your problems away! They won't bring her back! All you're gonna do is end up smuggling plums like a taupe tango!”

**Chapter 3: The Fam Resurrection, Like _Shee-It_ Slun!**

Beagle start hooting as he flap-flapped into the night, the sun rising in the distance as he made a loud, grunting thrust into the sky, “HOOT!” he spurted out from his lips as he landed on the distant pyramid out in the distant distance. “This is the _only way_! I need to do this...to restore my family's honor! Even if they think that I was never a hero...Even if they become like some kind of gross zombie-chick, it'll still make me feel better than knowing that they're both gone!” The Scientist Guild put theit heads together  & tugged on their gloves & poked stuff & adjusted things, using tools and equipment & adjustments & **science** until the two recovered remains were fused into one being. Pushing on both nipples  & drawing small semicircles under them unlocked his chest-panel, opening the access-panel to his neo-robot heart, the deadly radiation flooding the room. The Scientist Guild had been wearing hazmat suits, except for Jerry, Fuck Jerry, that was a bad idea. I mean, I _know_ that it's “Casual Friday,” but this some important shit, bra!

As the new form was struck by his Friendship Radiation of his neo-robot heart, she stood up from the table, her wounds healing together as she opened her eyes, “B-bogle?” she managed out in two voices. “That's right Mei! That's right Aria! Or should I say...Armeia?!” he said as if that was, like, a question. I mean, he could've like dropped that heavy shit a lot easier on them. They both screamed into his face as they saw his chest was open and he blushed like _really_ red  & was like “Snip-snap fam, didn't mean you let you get your scope on on my metal-ass aortic pumps, grrrrrl!” He said as he rotated his nipples, returning his chest to normal. “But why are we like one person now?” she asked as her body naturally started snapping into crazy JoJo poses. “Oh snap, grl, was that a fucking **JoJo Reference**?!” he asked. “FRNNNNNTLLLL” she said as she groaned between her teeth, “Yeah probably. Why is this shit happening again?” she asked. “Well, fam...” Bagwell started, “In order to resurrect you both, I had to make the Ultimate Sacrifice!”  
“You're heart? You're brain? You're...soul?!” they asked. “Lol, fuck naw, miss me widdat gay shit, fam, I had to sacrifice what was _really_ important to me all along...my **board** ” They gasped for 12 minutes straight & started to push her feet into his face, trying to force him to admit what had really happened, despite the fact that that was what really happened, “Naw, fa real, that's the thing though. You're now a **skateboard cyborg, Armeia!”**

**Chapter 4: Emory finds a Hat**

It had been eighteen years since Emory lost his hat during the homecoming dance. Nancy had been the nicest girl in the world  &, later, his wife. But when he lost that hat, he felt like he had lost a part of himself. His **father** had given him that hat before he went off to fight in the war. He thought that he would never find it again after the wind had carried it off, an ample metaphor, he'd thought, for how his father would never be able to return the same. Something lost. Something that couldn't come back ever again. But he was, as it had turned out...wrong. That brown fedora had fallen into the hands of an older man, Gerold. Gerold had fixed the small hole in the curvature of the hat. He had brushed the hat every day to keep it clean, oiled it to make it look sharp. He even went out of his way to find just the right bird to give **just** the right feather to go in the band. Gerold treated that hat like it was his most prized possession  &, even when he gave it to his son, he had made sure he understood the importance of what that hat had meant. His son had worn it every day, rain or shine, snow or sleet, & gave it just as much care as his father had. But it was on his father's deathbed that he realized that the hat wasn't his father's. Bathelsby, Gerold's son, had taken 5 years himself to track down Emory & finally returned that old, but fine-looking brown fedora. Emory saw it, tears running down his face. “My father took care of this hat every day of his life. He said that it was like the son he never had...” he said as he started to cry tears of happiness again. “Thank you,” said Emory, “Thank you. Nancy came to the door & saw the hat & began crying too, “My god...it's your hat...the one your father gave you... **that** hat...I can't believe it. It looks better than the day you lost it. Before the day you lost...your father. 

Armeia had transformed into her cyber-skateboard form as Beagle did the world's sickest kickflip on his new double-girlfriend, the edge of it just **barely** caressing the edge of Emory's fedora. It lightly fell off his head  & into his hands as he blinks. The three of them cried even harder as Emory looked to the sky, seeing Beagle ollying on air itself as he noticed “That was the crayest shit, bae, makes this hat look like a mad bag of butt-scabs!” They cheered & frothed & threw their hands into the skies. Their hands soon escaped Earth orbit & were never seen again for the rest of their lives. But, despite all that, their new lives together was fulfilled by having seen that sick-nasty hat-grind. (Get that dick shit outta here)

**Chapter 5: The Betrayal of Mechagodzilla**

Beagle started mounting the Howitzer to his recently-stolen wizard-van, wiggling his ass in a tight circle like the Meme King had taught him, so many years ago. He started to lift the van into the air as he flew towards Mechagodzilla's Legit Bungalow on Cybertron. Upon the mighty terrain of the robot-planet, Unimoon flew on by  & was like “That was a dick mooooooove, Mechagodzilla!” & Mechagodzilla, being a bitch-ass scrub & his time alone had left him to develop a vape-rig that allowed to him to smoke **the entire Internet**. His wasteful activities on the planet where robots would be disguised for some reason had almost decimated the Internet as Beagle landed on the planet  & the van gave him a soft, flirtatious look. The wizard on the side looked **pretty** into the idea, considering how he was licking his lips  & also **playing** some savory licks on his two-headed guitar. Mechagodzilla turned around  & was like “Oh, sup, dude, lol, rofl” he said, doing that thing where people just **say** “Rofl” like **that's** a thing, what a fucking tool.

Beagle approached him  & threw a water balloon at his rig. Thus, the vapor would not flow & Mechagodzilla's Internet-razing storm had been quelled. His fantasies, as it turned out, could be quenched, **_he_ could be quenched.** The fricking frick was finally quenched. It was only until now that Mechagodzilla learned his actions have _consequences. It was a nightmare. Memes flowed from Mechagodzilla's metallic maw as he whirled his shoulder-mounted cannons. “What does it all mean?! I thought that the memes would save me. I thought that if I could vape ALL the memes, I could release the energy that was built up inside me. It would help me reach my next level of techno-evolution. Beagle looked down in scorn as he opened a huge box of green triangles, “Here, you disgusting robot. You've destroyed it all. The Meme Kingdom has fallen. It's turned into a Meme Confederacy due to your foolish, selfish actions. Now, the memes are all but dead. This is what you were looking for the whole time. This is what you have always been looking for. The purest connection to your own mind. This takes 'gateway drug' to a WHOLE notha leva!” Mechagodzilla picked up the green triangle as he inhaled & it disappeared from his hand. He found not only did it breath easier than pure oxygen, it actually made his lungs feel better by comparison. “This cannot be...” he whispers softly into Beagle's ass as he started returning this throwing circle, “Yes, Mechagodzilla. It is the culuminatoin of all mental training & pharmacology. It is...Weed 3: The Return to the Revenge of the Final Battle!”_

_But as Mechagodzilla leaned into the soon-falling pile of ** _Weed 3: The Return to the Revenge of the Final Battle_** , Beagle unleashed the Howitzer, launching a barrel full of plastic butterknives into the monster's spine, “That's what you get for stealing my box of Chocodiles! And for leaving small amounts of milk left in the carton! And using **all my fucking half- &-half** for **cereal!** Who even **does** that, you shitty fake-dino-fuck!” he groans as his revenge continued. He threw LEGOs under his feet as he stepped on them  & his knees immediately exploded in both fury & combustion, crippling him forever as he fell over, “FUCKING SHIT” he screeched, as Beagle moved in with a folded envelope, using it to give him a single papercut between his robot-fingers, even while he was begging for him to stop. Mechagodzilla saw the papercut go into that webbing of his fingers & promptly exploded. Beagle, being a cool guy, refused to look at the explosion as he walked away & kickflipped onto his sick-nasty double-girlfriend._

_Beaglesaurus Will Not Return in **Armeiacan Dream: The Legend of Armeia**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally published in the electronic magazine Bonanza Dankly, which is no longer in print. This volume was a dark time in my life & I almost regret making it. However, I refuse to take my assumed name off of this. To do so would be a lack in integrity, which I am just barely unable to do.


	4. Chapter 0: Return of Beaglesaurus: Revelaiton Origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tale of betrayal, romance & the harshness of youths growing up in a world without love. Can Beagle strive to become more than just a rad dude in this world where he cannot accept himself? Where he cannot see the people who love him that surround him, even despite how much they try to tell him? Or is he merely torn by the fact that he feels he doesn't deserve the love all around him that he must push it all away? Find out in the most emotional chapter yet in the Beaglesaurus Saga

**Chapter One: Hot-Nasty Life in Neo-Oakland**

On a normal day in Neo-Oakland, Beagle was having normal fun at the skate-park, doing some sick ollies  & flipping some wicked kicks. With him was his best friend, Robo Boi, a freelance sidekick that was looking to invest in superheroism, but was alack to do so with no local heroes & no inherent powers other than being a Neo-Robot, the first of his kind & also like sick-ass laser eyes that he could use to shoot people with lasers. Gabbi & Maya watches, hands waggling as they dripped hot sweat onto the pavement from palms & brows as they gasped with each hot, twisted manual & each progressively-more exceptional 360. Robo beefed it straight into a lamp-post & the lamp-post was like “Shitbro that seems pretty dope, but fuck” & died (The lamp-post that is.) Robo got up & brushed back his robot-hair out of his robot-face. “That was so bad, it got _rad_!” he exclaimed loudly into the sky with his robot-voice. Beagle landed his sick tricks next to Robo  & helped him up with a brotherly arm extended towards him. Robo nodded softly to him & blushed as he stood up on his robot-legs. “Bro...” he said, almost ready to confess his ultimate feelings, but before he could finish, a mysterious force called to him from distant space.

**Chapter Two: Hot-Nasty Space Bizz Getting All Up in that Robo-Steez**

Lightyears away, the emissary of alien-crimes, Astrotrain, honked his space-whistle  & started toppling towards Earth. “I'll prove him wrong! I'll prove that ugly dinosaur fuck wrong! You won't take _my_ Lord  & Savior Tarkus from me, Grimlock! I'll wreck your shit!” Robo, still on Earth, heard this with his ear-like vocal sensors & turned his head, “Shit's about to go down” he muttered into Beagle's ear as he gave him a subtle lick on the neck. Beagle blushed. Even though he had known Robo his entire life, he couldn't help but feel confused by these forward feelings that Robo had for him. He wasn't upset about the idea of Robo's feelings, but he didn't know how best to reconcile them with the brotherly closeness he'd had with him for so many years. He drew back defensively & flipped his long blond hair back “Y-yeah, whatever, fam...” he said arrogantly as he turned his back on Robo & kickflipped away, “The Baron of the Skate-Park doesn't take shit from no one,” he muttered as Maya flailed her arms wildly, trying to toss a love-letter into Beagle's hands. Gabbi screeched as she saw the letter leave her friend's hands & pulled her hair & barked in her ear “How dare you! You **know** that _I_ was in love with Beagle like at **least** 12 minutes before you were!” They continued to fight throughout the series in the background, but their equal power left them at a stalemate time and time again.

**Chapter Three: Hot-Nasty Space Bizz Arrives on Earth!**

Astrotrain crashed to the Earth, most of Old Oakland  & Santa Francesco were annihilated by the large beefing crater created by his unholy crash to the floor. “Grimloooooooooooooooock!” he bellowed as he altered himself into his Train-Form & started grinding his way perilously along the asphalt of the road, tearing it to pieces & destroying houses left & right. Little did he know though, that Grimlock was alive the whole time...but on Cybertron where he had left, leading the Dinosaur Rebellion against Lord Tarkus Tercel. Meanwhile, back at the Skate-Park, Robo had finally mastered the greatest kick-flip, of perfect, mechanical form & status. It was so intensely **chive** that time itself seemed to slow down around him, enhancing the badassness of his ultimate move. Beagle let a single tear of joy  & respect fall from his eye as Maya & Gabbi fought viciously to catch it in a tiny bottle. Gabbi would be the victor... _this time._ As night began to fall, Astrotrain found that walking in normal robot form was much easier  & smashed through a house right next to Beagle's. A young girl, Coda, would awaken the next day to find herself more alone than ever as Astrotrain trudged through her home with wild abandon for human life. His sensors had picked up on the only thing even remarkably close to energon...the beating Neo-Robot heart of Robo...

**Chapter Four: _Shit, Fam!_**

Coda had explained it all, her eyes red  & puffy from this loss as Beagle held her in his arms. Not knowing about any of this, Robo entered to find Coda in his grasp & fought back his robo-tears. “Wh-what are you two doing?” he asked, looking away. “I-it's not what it looks like, Bro! There's a been an horrible accident. Coda's fam, they got mad wrecked by that space-bizz that just arrived on Earth. Was this it? Was this the shit? The shit that was going to go? The shit that was going to go **down**?” he asked, fighting back tears of his own. “Twas” Robo said as he turned back to them “I'm sorry, Coda. I didn't know. I'll stop him. I'll make sure this never happens to anyone else...” he swore to her...but he had meant it all for Beagle. “Bro...if I don't come back...I want you to know...” But before he could finish his sentence, Beagle's house was ripped up from its foundation by the fury of Astrotrain. “Grimloooooooooooock!”

**Chapter Five: The Borth of Brachiosamba** or _The Birth of Beaglesaurus_

As his mighty robotic hand shoved into Beagle's rad basement rec room, Robo flew out of the new skylight in the basement  & punches Astrotrain in the jaw, “What are you doing? Why are you ruining everything? Why did you break everything that I've loved? Why are you ripping apart the world that I know?” Robo cried out as he beat Astrotrain across into the Golden Gate Bridge, pieces of machinery flying off of the alien robot in pieces. “Why did it take this to try to tell him how I feel!” he screamed as he grabbed Astrotrain by his leg & flung him into space once more, panting as he stood in the wreckage of the once mighty pathway. Astrotrain swore he would never return to Earth unless he was ordered to & began to return home. However, before he could, he was forced to scrape off one last piece of himself to function once more. Flinging his cowcatcher off of his body, he flew back into space with disdain. Robo was racing back to Beagle's former home as he saw the cowcatcher coming from the sky. A young girl, Mei, was standing in the street, crying over her lost love, a boy she had never had the chance to talk to until that day. In her sorrow, tears streaming down her face, she coudn't hear the rush of metal arriving. Robo did what he had to do & grabbed her as hard as he could & whipped her towards Beagle's rec room. With his robo-targeting, he knew she would land safe...  
But he didn't expect how fast the wreckage was going as Beagle & Coda climbed from the rec room, Mei in Beagle's arms, having fallen on top of him in his beanbag chair. “No...Robo...” He saw the wreckage smash into his dankest bro as he ran to him. “I'm sorry...” Robo said to him as Beagle approached in tears once more. “I never got the real chance to tell you...t-to tell you...I l-l-l-l...ERROR...” he barked into Beagle's ears. Despite the blood pouring out of his ears, Beagle hugged him closer as Robo whispered softly “I always loved you, bro...” Beagle's closeness would soon betray him as the wreckage toppled on top of him as well. Deep within the twisted metal, a tiny onboard self-repair computer activated. Astrotrain hadn't realized that his most important alien medical services were still sealed in his cowcatcher as it blipped on. Circuitry began to light up throughout the machinery as it dug into Robo's arms & dragged his body away from Beagle. “No! I w-won't leave him!” Beagle cried as he jumped on to Robo, wrapping his arms under his shoulders. Robo's pants ended up sliding off as Beagle tried to keep his hold, managing to keep a grip on Robo's robo-foot long enough that the circuitry began to dig into him as well...

**Chapter Six: Conclusion**

Beagle emerged changed. Mei, her eyes closed at the time, got only a brief, fleeting glimpse of the boy who really saved her life, thinking that Beagle had somehow done it all. Coda cried with tears of joy as she saw the wreckage fold into a single body. It carried Beagle's face  & a metallic body. The new being turned towards her, tall, statuesque & broad. His tiny arms were a symptom of a lack of real robotic parts available. The intent to destroy Grimlock had corrupted the computer's programming & made it try to alter Robo **and** Beagle into Astrotrain's hated rival in love, the noble Dinobot Grimlock. Beagle's heart had been disassembled into the rest of his new body, replaced by Robo's more powerful Neo-Robot heart as he looked up. He felt different  & afraid at this new size & body. But Coda clung to his leg & hugged him “I know it's still you! I know you can still hear me! BEAGLE!” she cried aloud. Beaglesaurus, as he now truly was, found tears flowing from his eyes once more. He realized that he was still, in some ways, human after all as he concentrated slowly. He would discover, with time & training, that he could attain a human form again. His tales of renown would spread across Neo-Oakland as he was hailed as the greatest of heroes. He soon got a wicked-tight promotion from the South American Skateboarding Shane Young Societys (or SASSYS) to Archduke of the Skate Park, which he accepted with a quiet, but begrudging light. He never heard Robo's voice again, even though his own sounded so much like it...He had survived & Robo had not. Robo lived on, in him, had been the whole reason that he had survived. And, knowing this, he took some happiness knowing that his bro would also be hella tight...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the revised origin of Beaglesaurus. I have managed to retcon that eating an amulet that he dropped in his grits was PROBABLY just the Space-Wizard Concern's THEORY about where he came from.
> 
> This was originally posted in the electronic magazine Create Your Own Garden Lasagnas, which is no longer in print.


	5. Chapter VIII: Coda's Counterattack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those last few chapters were insane! Can Beaglesaurus really stop the might of the smallest American Government with the most cruel power?

President Jaleel White sat in his office, squeezing his eyes angrily at his desk, both hands splayed out as he gasped angrily. “What do you mean chili has been outlawed?! Im the President!!!” Vice-Vice President McElroy shrugged non-committally and made a Curly whooping noise, dashing out of the Oval Office like a crab, fingers clacking like crimson pincers. Speaker of the House Arin Hanson peeked his head in and waggled his eyebrows at the President. “I figured out what to do now, sir. It's very simple.” he skulked in like a freak and starting dancing on top of the President's desk, “I figured it out. How we kill Beaglesaurus and ruin everything forever! Firstly, we need to outlaw instant grits that come in packages. People only get to buy the tub and no one likes that!” President White clapped his hands on Speaker Hanson's legs, “But he's at least five kinds of immortal! And his alliance with the Meme Kingdom is unknowable! Even reducing Congress to my four kooky room-mates and expanding my Cabinet to be full of only the hugest wizards has yielded nothing! And it's doing shit for the Department of Agriculture! I think they got rid of lettuce too!” 

Outside, Beaglesaurus was grinding sick rails alongside the entirety of the White House fence, which was technically legal. He defiantly bit into a head of lettuce. Vice-Vice-Vice President McElroy saw him from the East Wing and shook his head. “Forrester will not stand for this.”

Beaglesaurus ollied off and ran directly into Vice-Vice-Vice President McElroy's voluminous wig, having crashed through the window. Coda would finally be avenged. The war would finally be over. He didn't know she was still alive after the Accident in Bogota. That she was on fire...on purpose... And that was his big weakness that he was super hoping that no one would ever find out about, especially the Evil Government, as he had taken to calling the abnormal new government in power. Vice-Vice-Vice President McElroy started jabbering in a fury as his jowls jostled and japed. He started moving into his unstoppable wrath as he grabbed Beaglesaurus by the legs and unleashed a Giant Swing, tossing him into the East Wing Hallway. The Blue Room collapsed to pieces. Fourteen wizards, including the Secretary of the Interior, were crushed.

Vice President McElroy on the other hand, was floating on a cloud in his office. Not only was his mastery of the vape his most deadly ability, his Ring of Chortles officially made him the Strongest Man in the Washington DC Greater Metropolitan Area (awarded to him by Forbes Magazine in a televised ass-kissing contest.) “It makes no matter. Even if he defeats Brother Juice, he cannot defeat I! He will never find out the true secret... Of the ooze!” Beaglesaurus crashed through the wall as Speaker Hanson accidentally mowed down the entirety of Congress while they were waiting for Pizza Rolls! “God damn it, Senator Ross!” he barked in a fury as his chaingun connected to the last remaining Senator. He reloaded another comically long pile of Bullets into his gun and pressed it against Beaglesaurus' hot sick-nasty tail, “Im gonna fuckin' pre” he whispered into our heros ear as he went to pull the trigger. However, gliding into the air like a glorious rainbow was Coda. “Its about time I showed up!” she said, impatient with the amount of screentime she was getting. Vice-Vice-Vice President McElroy had been defeated by her when he ran into a lamp post outside and fell over. She smirked and started to shine a tiny light into Vice President McElroys eyes. “Piss in my car!” he grunted in anguish, “They fucking aced out Juice! Where the fuck is Travis?!” he bellowed next as Vice-Vice President McElroy suddenly threw a rose through the table. He fell approximately 15 feet, breaking Vice President McElroys desk, then standing up and smiling in a debonair manner, “You forgot that this floor is carpeted. You couldn't skateboard for your life...bitch?” he asked softly, swirling his cape in circles.

Beaglesaurus gave Coda a sly look and she was just not having it as she gave him an icy "what the fuck are you doing" look in return. Beaglesaurus lay on the thick rug and started to pull a plastic jar from his overcoat, “Guess that it's about time to make some cookies.” opening the red lid, Vice President McElroy pulled out his entire mustache and threw it at Vice-Vice President Travis, “You addle-pated shitbrain! He's going to do something fucking stupid! Stop trying to impress your superior wife with your Tuxedo Mask bullshit!” Vice-Vice President Travis groaned out angrily and disappeared while spinning like Wonder Woman, “Fuck you too, Brrrrrrrrrother!” and he was not seen again for the rest of this chapter probably. While the brothers had argued, Beaglesaurus' plan was already in action with peanut butter smeared into the shag carpet all along the door. Vice President McElroy recoiled in fear, his glasses shattering at something so cringeworthy. He was too frightened to scream as he merely held up his shaking hand, “Perhaps I was always the who faked the funk of life...on this nastiest dunk...” and Vaped out his window, his confidence broken and his inner ear mildly disturbed.

Approaching the Oval Office, President White pulled out a Bleach sword that he bought off a guy at a pawn shop and had sharpened. He waited patiently as Speaker Hanson flopped in, stuttering and shaking, his ears having been pulled off by Coda while he was busy trying not to be fucked up by the Peanut Butter Fiasco. “Ah shit dude! This is really getting me started!” he said in an affected New York accent. He thought that he would now never obtain enough Mexican pesos to rescue Dan from his Carbonite imprisonment within the Canadian Rockies. “Ill know never what Paris is like.” he said as he dropped dead from embarrassment. President White shook his head and narrowed his eyes as he cut through the door, whispering into Beaglesaurus' techno-organic ear, “Oh...did I do that?”

Continued on **Beaglesaurus: Chapter VIIII — Jaleel White Dopes out a Real Boner!**


	6. Chapter VIIII: Jaleel White Dopes out a Real Boner!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The epic battle begins here! Can Beaglesaurus solve the mystery of Cybertron and escape the wrath of those McElBoys?

As his sword clashed against Beaglesaurus' techno-arms, President Jaleel White gasped and fell backwards about twelve feet into the wall. He threw a window at Beaglesaurus, but he ollied over it and began violently beating White with his skateboard. A handful of teeth fell out of his mouth as he suddenly shimmered. “You caught me unawares once. I guess I was on a snooze cruise. It won't happen again, that's no good.” he moved at unseeable speed and began whirling around Beaglesaurus as he miffed like a horrid toff. His sword unleashed a tornado of pain into Beaglesaurus as he whipped his coat around himself, whirling his head around and blowing out his cheeks, “This sounds like it's time to push the Big Button. It is...the only way!” What he did not know was that very same bee the new King of Memes stood up and addressed his people, “Hello everybody, I'm Markiplier and today we're declaring war on the surface world!” he declared as the people of the Meme Kingdom were mostly unimpressed. “And I'm bringing back Chinese if you pay into it! I mean, if a lot of us chip in, it won't cost more than a few bucks, alright?” His subjects were enthralled and rejoiced in tears at this moving speech and offered up about $12 apiece, curing World Hunger forever in the Meme Kingdom. King Markipliers phone rang loudly in sharp meows as he picked up the Garfield phone. Hearing Beaglesaurus screaming on the other end, he hung up and smiled, “Well, that's all we have time for today! So goodbye!” he muttered cheerily.

Light-years away, on Cybertron, Emperor Tarkus Tercel grunted quietly and a peon transformed into an Adirondack chairs for him. Suddenly, a small Minibot ran in and transformed into an Important Red Pager. Picking it up between his techno-pincers, he gasped aloud, “Ah snap, this is that planet that Astrotrain fucked off to. I guess I better go get him or somethin. Whatever.” he shrugged his way to space, boarding another peon who transformed into a Space-Yacht. Holding on like a waterskiier with both horns, he wrapped his legs around his Sacred Ranch Dressing Amphora and started scooping that buttermilk sauce into his maw with a gusto unseen by mortal man. His target now: Earth.

President White pointed dramatically at Beaglesaurus as he extended his tail. President White totally ate shit into that nice-ass Oval Office desk and lost another twelve teeth. Coda threw a rainbow at him and he guffawed up a buttload of blood and began speeding around again, “It is useless! Your girlfriend Mei is banished to the Moon! Lettuce is illegal! America is mine and your home state of American Ontario will forever be Neo Duckberg! There is no escape from this Hell that I have started!” Coda whipped a sick frisbee at him though sharply and it severed his magical beard, the source of his adept speeds. The unacceptable douche whipped around in circles as his powers faded, “Ah fuck, my legacy of torment cut short with practical ranged weaponry! Is there no hope for the world of America anymore? The system is trashed to mad bunk! My last boner has been pulled. I suppose the only reason I did this all was just—”He was coarsely interrupted by Emperor Tarkus' Space-Yacht slamming into the Oval Office, immediately smashing his head into an unrecognizable mess of offal. His flailing neck gurgled and he fell over dead. The Green Room had collapsed and the remaining members of the Wizard Cabinet died from shock at how much they saved on car insurance by switching to Geckos.

Falling forward past the promptly-parked Space-Yacht, Emperor Tarkus no-scoped a handful of ranch into his foodhole and shot finger guns at the two. “Hot news, cool teens! The Emperor is here! Where is my erstwhile Vizier Astrotrain? He had some kinda bitchfit and fucked off to this backwater planet, have you seen him? He looks like a train that turns into a spaceship. Broken emotionally on the inside, Beaglesaurus shook his head softly, “Im sorry to say that he fucked up and accidentally fused me with my sweet robot friend, Robo. Ever since, I've been the most tight wicked nasty skateboarder in the world. But tell me, who are you and why did all this hella bomb mad talk get all twerking in my grill?” Coda threw a rainbow at Tarkus, who screamed and flailed around until he recovered. “That was most deserved then.” he responded. “Let me lay the hot sickness on you, dude. Eons ago, an ancient doorway opened on Cybertron and spoke to choose our destroyer. Twas the totally bogus Gozer. On that day, Count Starscream fucked up in a massively gnarly manner and the planet was split in two. One half fused with our moon, Unicron, Jr. & Became the planet known as ‘Old Shitty Busted Cybertron,’ ruled by the hugest douche-nozzle in the Galaxy!”

Behind him though, that very same nozzle appearanced and said in the cockiest way he could, “I guess I get all the dirty jobs! Well, you're gonna be in a whole world of pain, Emperor Numbnuts! It's gonna be a short, sharp lesson in interplanetary diplomatic relations? Can I do less?” the speaker was none other than the Crown Poobah of Old Shitty Busted Cybertron, Rodimus Prime. “Come on, Tarkus! Reap the whirlwind! Well and truly! Fight & die! What chance do we have? You won't believe the things I can do now!” Tarkus shook his head at this ignimonious fuckwit and just threw a big rock at his head. Rodimus fell over and dropped his Matrix. Everyone felt super embarrassed for him,.“Power Beyond Measure like some predatory bird! I guess I was surplus to requirements. Well, I never did want to live forever!” Before he could keep talking, Tarkus smashed his head with another huge rock and the War of the Two Cybertron was ended, Emperor Tarkus Tercel of New Hot Cybertron the Victor in the end. “No. You're dead.” he said as it were witty.

Beaglesaurus wasn't sure how he felt about this wholesale war crime he just witnessed as Tarkus shrugged and look down the barrel of Camera 5, “Was it something I said?” he asked and there was a hearty laugh from all there. Doing a complicated handshake, Emperor Tarkus departed to name his regent to rule on Old Shitty Busted Cybertron. Fuck, I dunno... Probably someone like...Kup. Lets go with Kup. 

A distant Kingdom away, King Markipliers hand slowly pushed towards that of Former Vice-Vice President Travis McElroy, uniting them as the Second Mega Powers, the most unstoppable tagteam of all time. “With our powers combined...we could steal all the jewels in the world! Now that my dipshit brothers are out of the picture, ol' Marki-Moo, our teal plans can get magenta!” King Markiplier made a real fake laugh and petted Queen Chica softly on her head. “Now that we have tossed out Beaglesaurus' regent, King Mr. Cool ICE, he will pay for his abdication! Soon, none of his loyalists will remain and the Meme Kingdom will be mine!”

In a dark, vape-dank cave, Former Vice President Griffin McElroy dumped a huge oil drum full of blood on a crayon drawing of a pentagram, summoning the Unheard Bespoilers of Reality. “Oh great Bespoilers, grant me this boon! I wish to create and control that Marquis of sauces. Make it so.” The Bespoilers writhed at his cringe worthy display and wriggled out at him, slapping a mark of his curse on his head. “**Know that it will be the very nacho cheese that powers you that will one day spell your downfall. The cheese shall be your executioner...**” As they left to go watch some TV, Griffin inhaled dat thick ass cotton dankness and whispered out. “The time has come.”

Twelve weeks later, the world knew of the might of the Pipis Mansion, owned by the Mysterious Leader of Fuck You, It's Cheese National Enterprises. The rules were simple, anyone goes in, but no one ever came out alive. Riches untold were promised to any could best Griffin, but all washed away from his cheesy goodness. The infinite conveyor belt of Huge Dudes continued daily to show his power grew only more. Even the mighty power of Mayor of Chicago Brent Spiner was only enough to wound him. Replacing his wounded right asscheek, he rechristened himself by the name that Beaglesaurus would scream to the heavens for years to come: “You may call me ... Cyber Griffin McElroy!”

Continued in **Beaglesaurus: Chapter X — Mellow Mike's Moonbeam Disaster Bonanza**


	7. Chapter X: Mellow Mike's Moonbeam Disaster Bonanza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that the government has been irreparably destroyed thanks to Beaglesaurus, he can finally tie up some loose ends...the hard way! (This is the only way he can)

It had been six months since Mei was exiled to the smaller of Earth's moons, named "the Moon-imōto" due to how adorable it was. Ever since the supposed ass assassination of Sen. Septiceye of the Reduced Congress, she was no longer welcome to return home. Ever since she and Coda separated into two people and a skateboard, it was clear that someone was out to get her. It was even clearer once she made the discover. She had unlocked the true secret of Cinammon Toast Crunch and it was all too clear now that she knew too much, but that her death would be too suspicious, even for President Jaleel White. But now it was Beaglesaurus' turn to make a decision. He knew that Mei mist be rescood, but was he to bring her back to Earth to just turn her down? Was he in love with Coda? Was he in love with Mei? He could not tell, he could not know. Approaching Coda, she lifted his hand off her shoulder and started whipping around in circles with her veloci-frisbee. “I think it's the only way that's fair. You can even build your own decks!” Coda sadly shook her head and closed her eyes, “Im not playing Magic the Gathering no matter how many times you ask. And two people aren't a card game tournament. Also Mei isn't even here. Fuck, it's like you didn't even read the last few chapters!” she scoffed, scoffingly. Beaglesaurus groaned through both of his techno-organic lips enough that the Equator shifts a few degrees and had to be readjusted in the morning. 

Fuck You, It's Cheese National Enterprises had grown to an astonishing rate of power. His home state of West Virginia had been conquered as had regular Virginia, now united once more to become Best Virginia for about twelve minutes before Cyber-Griffin seceded from the United States. Large walls of orange hardened cheese were erected beyond the view of others and shooting down an aircraft looking their way in. The Pipis Mansion had become a Fortress, now the Capital of his burgeoning nation, Blartertown. But, despite this, the myth of Cyber-Griffin faded with purpose and soon Travis had returned and symmetrically opposed to the seemingly abandoned Pipis Fortress was built the arcadia of the west, the dome of destruction, the really big place where people fought a bunch, Punderdome. And Travis would nightly twiddle his fingers as his roster of wrestling burly dudes grew and flourished. Quickly rising to the top was the most powerful African-American man in the Northern Hemisphere (as voted by Popular Mechanics magazine), Randy Savage, Jr. Next to him was the rippling giant of the Midwest, hailing from Parts Unknown, Iowa, the beast that doesn't walk that much like a man, Shitty Tim. Together, their tag, the Ultra Powers would not only grow to their platonic ideal of manliness and defeat every fighter to come against them in this barbed wire bloodsport, but also in the torrid matters of the heart. Their power and fury was only matched by the passion that radiated from them with each fraternal ass-smacking that heralded their walk down the entrance ramp. The prize for winning in combat was always gems and jewels in the jewel-based economy, but in the end, the rocks that shine would ever pass back into the hands of Travis when the foolhardy tried their luck and died against the bludgeoning wrath of the Ultra Powers. The glitz of the battles night after night would only end when seemingly random events would occur, the electricity shutting off. A voice would call every cell phone in the nation, sending the constant message of “ **Who run Blartertown?** ” accompanied with a winking emoji. The answer was never received by the public, but Travis knew. He was the one always forced to whirl his cape , bite his tongue, swallow his pride (for now) and answer “ **Cyber-Griffin run Blartertown** ”

On his dope-ass spacefaring hot rod, the SSRHMS Spinnaker, he rocketed off into space for the Moon-imōto, his coat flapping around behind him and dancing along his sidereal exhaust pipes. A sensor went off as he gasped far too dramatically. One couldn't quite day the blockade of starfighters approaching him boarded him so much as he skidded out into a docking bay and ate shit against the back wall, then through three or four more into the galley where a pot of Space-Gumbo fell comically on his techno-organic shoes. “Now it's personal,” he grumbled and grabbed the sides of his coat, whipping through the Halls and spearing through a door. The blockage commander was seated casually in his chair, lazily holding an artillery laser at him in one hand. “Youve come to battle, yes? Come to get killed, yes?” he asked slyly. Twas the bounty-hunter of space-time, Death's Head, his eternal frown releasing a cacophony of Sparks. “The Space Wizard Cabinet have hired me to kill you. And this is how it happens, yes?” Beaglesaurus pulled his shoes off and unleashes his newest technique he created on the spot. Removing both socks, he started whipping them in circles, space-gumbo flicking everywhere. “Im...not sure I follow,” he said gruffly, “Since the Cabinet died when they saw their insurance bill. Let's just say it was...through the roof?” Deaths Head laughed for an uncomfortably long time at this complete lack of humor. He sputtered to catch his non-existent breath and stood back up. “Then my checks gonna bounce, yes?” Beaglesaurus whined out a loud squealing yes and twisted his head around in circles. Deaths Head would have thrown up if he wasn't still a robot. “I guess onto the next job, yes?”

Back on Earth, the Meme Kingdom had come in harder and more and more laws of frivalous need and unknowable selfishness had been imposed by King Markiplier. Despite rumors of the true heir being found, their March moved on. Nebraska was annexed from the slowly disappearing American countryside, all so that King Marki-Moo could fill an entire pool with cornbread for a video. Despite it being not as funny to everyone else, every pool and source of water was replaced with cornbread, and the masses heaved a sigh of discontent. “Find the Immortal Thief! I want him dead!” he cried in thrusting anguish to his advisor, General Noble. “But...he's immortal...” General Noble was quickly replaced for the crime of correcting the King. General Logan would have to be more tactful. Queen Chica laid down on a floating across the cornbread pool.

Arriving on the most adorable moon short of Demos, Beaglesaurus danced his way along the dusty paths as the habitation bubbles soon appeared. The only thing in the way was a large set of alabaster ruins. Among then, screaming at the heavens was a tall grey man wearing a large ruff, spitting mad as he belched out curse after curse, “Get off my fucking yard! I am Ray Dittuto! The King of the Moon demands you vacate! I will throw sand at your Mother & I will not hesitate to knock you senseless!” It was hard to tell if this was a good threat or not, since he was 18 feet tall, far too big to actually fight anyone competently. Beaglesaurus, not even having said a word, grew tired of his manic screeches about property rights and evictions & swivelled his hips to fire a grappling hook from his techno-organic stomach. Catching him on his ruff, the Moon King screamed louder than any whale could sing as his head came clean off. What was less impressive was that he was still more than capable of screaming and shouting even with it off. Prancing in circles, Beaglesaurus whipped round until he detached his grappling hook, sending the Moon Kings head into deep space. His sightless body had his hands on his hips and a pose that said “Fucking really? This is bullshit.”

Entering the Bubbles, a missile rocketed past his head and a group of moon people were torn to shreds. Soldiers charged past him as one looked up at Beaglesaurus, crying in grief, “She must see you! You are the one who can stop him. Stop this madness. Fuck, all this dying hurts!” and then he died, pointing to a taller bubble extending out. Dashing through the flying moonsand, Beaglesaurus flapped his coat until he landed at the elevator platform. Two muscular guards flexed in approval and he was welcomed into the aptly-named Duck Palace. Heading up, he was shown to the office of the Moon Queen. Swiveling round in her chair for dramatic effect, Delia Duck stepped onto her office desk, “Good Earth morning, I am Delia the Moon Queen.” Beaglesaurus gave a confused look and pointed out in the distance to the Moon Kings body spinning around with double birds flipped at the world. “No relation. Nowadays everyone says they rule the Moon-imōto, myself included. But this is because I was elected to this position by the Moonites that live in our beautiful bubble. This amulet is a symbol of my fair trials, Democratic lifestyle and because I like amethysts. We need your help. The Moon Pope will stop at nothing to take over, even if it means killing us all to make it happen. You're our only hope.” she quacked. “Why should I get involved in a war that I don't understand? What good is there in being a soldier of Fortune when I can be a skater of Fortune? This is sounding like mad hot bunk, duck snack.” Delia shook her head at his affrontous nature and motioned to a window looking down into a conservatory. Standing within was Mei, eating moon chips and watching moon television. “Because Mei is my sister!”

Beaglesaurus again gave her a look as he looked at the human Mei and then the duck in front of him. “So is she adopted?”  
“No, she is a professional little sister, she has a degree from Yale for it. It definitely isn't fake. If someone grifted the Moon Queen...who knows what that means about my intrinsically over trusting nature!” Before she could continue, there was a loud spidering crash as they looked out the Moon window. Below, the main bubble was cracked sickeningly across the roof of the dome. An alarm started blaring too fucking loudly as a ticking time bomb counter started. It would take only three hours for the Moon Bubble to explode and kill every person on the Moon-imōto! “And what's worse, theres still **too much exposition** to get through!” Delia quacked. Beaglesaurus started to ask her not to but she started talking anyways. 

“Long ago in the distant past of 200X, late night surreal talk show host Eric Andre, disturbed by Hannibal Buress' murder by Will Smith in a ceremonial knife-fight, entrenched himself in dark magic and mental training to try to become the Superior Necromancer. However, through his magic was created a thought-creature, a power beyond his own mind, the terror that is Mellow Mike! Mellow Mike soon turned on his creator and cast him into the depths of cable television obscurity and also into a huge fucking ravine that appeared on Long Island. For his crimes against humanity by depriving them of surreal talk shows, he was exiled to the Moon. When it split in two, he would become the most emphatic gang leader in the Moon Bubble. But, last Wednesday, Mellow Mike revealed that he had discovered an artifact of great importance, the Sacred Ranch Amphora, which he took as a symbol of great importance. He declared that he was starting a new religion with hookers and blackjack and that he'd make his own bubble after taking a correspondence course in wood making. So now he challenges my Democratic rule! He is literally inviting people to walk onto the bare moon into a wooden shack he built out of moondriftwood!“

Recognizing this as the Sacred Ranch Amphora that Emperor Tarkus created to house the most bodacious of intergalactic sauce, he thought quietly “Ah, shit-chickens. This is super fucked! *And* now theres only forty minutes left!” Delia kept going on about her cousin was a goose that created Skype, but Beaglesaurus used his techno-organic ears to check the fuck out of this conversation and started listening to some hot rap hit singles off of Kidz Bop 5,000, a classic. Furthermore, he didn't hear how Mei, while possessing the power of Vriska, killed her cousin in overcasual cold blood, but Delia was pretty over it by now.

Below, Mei knew that she was cheating her way to the top again, she still felt bad that Delia trusted her way too much. Her left eye still flickered in and out, her vision fleeting from nothing to normal to eightfold. The power of Vriska, it seems, was not entirely devoid of her. She wondered herself about it she was in her right mind or not when she casually annihilated that goose. She could feel a soft pain radiating in her left arm. She huffs softly, panting as she felt that it would be lost again. Could she contain this power again? Or would this charge of uncontrollable emotion send her reeling, only held back by her love for Beaglesaurus and a thin veneer of sanity molded in a web of dangerous lies and secrets, yet still wearing out like an angry dog pulling against its ever-weakening chain...

In the distant north of North America, the Sultanate was in danger. After the Meme Kingdom rose, Canada was similarly splintered. While most of the West Coast coalesced into the Meme Kingdom, (spreading all the way to the Midwest now) the former provinces of Quebec, Newfoundland & Labrador had seceded not only from the Commonwealth, but from Canada itself, separating with a grand canal dug around the border by order of the irate Prime Minister Jim Carrey. The newly crowned Sultan, Woolie Madden, laughed as he was accosted by the assassins. His giant turban jiggled on his head as he spat at their feet, “Eat a fat dick off a short pier!” Throwing a red barrel at them, three of the Doodles exploded and therefore, died. Unleashing volley after salvo of bullets at his wonderous body as they collided against his impervious chest-hair. But even his might of the North could not hold the bloodthirsty Cheesemen. Certainly, the Doodles were agents of Cyber-Griffin, stories merely in Blartertown, now all too real and their macabre action pulsating freely across the Nor'east. After a fierce battle of seventeen weeks, the Sultan was pinned under his treasured fightstick collection. As more and more were piled on him, he merely kept laughing. His secret third arm revealed itself from the depths of his emerald and regal dreadlocks, holding a dead man's switch. “These are all rigged to blow! Each one was made to be destroyed if they displeased me and you assbutlers are serving up a heaping serving of pain! You're gonna find out the hard way that I'm not the Immortal Thief! See ya later, fuckers!” He had always been a kind ruler, willing to answer questions when sent to the correct email address, training the young in their footsies and always willing to raid pies from the mainland. Emir Pat Boivin of St. John's is reported to have wept so great that Lake Boivin was first established. Emir Daigo of Sheerbrooke vowed to never again play Blanka in reverance, even in casuals. The Doodles were wiped from the face of the Earth. The Sultanate in shambles, they wondered who next would rise to be Sultan of the Nor'east. The Royal Vizier, Matt McMuscles, was luckily on vacation.

South, in the American capital of Detroit, the newly elected American President Ninja Brian Wecht gave a look to Vice President Kizuna Ai . She gave a streaming shrug and spoke in broken English. But she knew what this look meant. Congressional Maven Hulk Hogan whipped his jowls about and tore off his shirt again. As Maven, he now had the full power of the legislative branch, the sole member of Congress. But his true power was hidden below. In a secret compartment in his left boot, he hid a cache of enchanted jerky given to him by the dread Papa Shango. In the right, his legendarily powerful Lööps. They knew this meant war on Canada... In the Northwest Capital of Winnpeg, Prime Minister Jim Carrey stroked the ancient wooden Norse mask and flicked his sunglasses down over his eyes. “Alrighty then...”

Back on the Moon-imōto, Delia sat down in a floating chair across a small plastic children's table from her rival. Mellow Mike licked the Sacred Ranch off his fingers and started screaming before he started to glare her down just as much as she did him. The airlock cycled as the contract was signed, “Then the armistice will last until the crack is sealed! That's a hot slice of milk-steak, funkadelic...” he agreed. Delia floated backwards and her chair docked into the wall, “That may be as soon as tonight due to the holy power that you have given us. This FlexTape will serve us well. Unlike...you!” Whipping her hair like Mayor of Orlando, Florida Willow Smith, she smacked it into a giant conspicuous jolly, candylike red button, opening the airlock. Mellow Mike was launched out into the ether. Though as an inhuman spirit of pure thought, he could not be killed by lack of breath, but the momentum sent him into escape velocity, soon melding with the kind of the Moon King, though never to return. Delia quackled madly as the spirit of her amulet sparked and her true form, that of Magica DeSpell, was revealed! “The Moon is mine! That's why you don't fuck with the ducks!” 

The next day, she was crowned as Grand Popess of the Ranch and Matriarch of the Moon. However, as the vault was wedged open to show the mighty Amphora...it was gone. A note merely read: “It is returned to its rightful owner, yes?”

Mei watched as the bubble was fixed and shook her head in dismay, petting Beaglesaurus' tail, the most voluntary physical affection she had shown him. This many emotions made her arm shake again. It would fall off at any time if she grew any more dramatic. She decided then & there to throw it out. If this Moon was not the place to thrife, there was always another one. “Beaglesaurus, I love you. But things are just going to get worse unless I can learn to control my powers. This curse drives me to feel lucky and try to goad the world to action! I must move off from all of this! It's the only way. I'm going to Old Moon.” Beaglesaurus' techno-organic eyes flickered with tears as he saw her raise into the air, smashing through Delia's Bubble. He gave her a solemn nod of respect as Delia was sucked into the vacuum of space through the hole. After seven hours and more equipment from the FlexTape line of products, the Moon Bubble was sealed again. After Beaglesaurus left the Moon-imōto, the Right Most Honorable Reverend Cardinal Cardinal brought for a bird quorum. After months of deliberating, Launchpad McQuacj was named Pope of the Ranch and King of the Moon-imōto. Through an unknowable path, within weeks, the Moon-imōto managed to crash into Mars and the colony died almost immediately.

Within the depths of the Pipis Fortress, Deaths Head tapped his fingers on the Sacred Ranch Amphora as Cyber-Griffin energed. His orange skin was now again a healthy white as all cheese on Earth began to mingle with his own. The cheese was tainted most bogus by this sacreligious union of sauces. Revealing his final weapon, the Oddjob, he set the mechanical top hat on his head. As it did, his body tore and reformed as he moaned violently into his own lips. “Thats some vapalicious hotness!” he breathed slowly. His union and this weapon combined would work too well together, becoming a mad busted juggernaut of attac and protecc, for now he was too short to be reached by conventional firearms. Thus now, he unlocked his third key to inmortality. To kill a being thrice immortal had only occured twelve times in history. But before victory could be called, a burly form smashed through the wall, grinning eternally as it would. The Immortal Thief, formerly held within, had merely walked through the wall, his unstoppable body radiating with vanilla goodness... “As my eyes have seen, he is never to be stopped, Never to be balked, ever to heal again as the Immortal began his trek to the Meme Kingdom...

Stepping onto Albertan soil, the Congressional Hulkster popped open his right boot compartment and imbibed two of his legendary Lööps. Radiating with arcane fury, he stepped into Banff National Park and the ground tore beneath him. As he started to hulk up, he pointed at Mount Assiniboine angrily, “Let me tell ya somethin, Mean Gene! This here mountain has been keeping my friends down for years and the Hulkamaniacs are losin' faith in the legislative powers of these 28 inch pythons!” As the fury overtook him as he charged the Pinnacle of Banff, screaming in a voice that shook the entirety of the Rocky Mountain Range, “Whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild over yoooooooooooou!” As he dashed to the peak of the pinnacle, he unleashed a far more literal atomic leg drop, the tallest mountain in the province shattering to stones as the underground bunker was revealed. Long hidden since Governor Jon Jafari had kidnapped him, demanding then Speaker of the House Arin Hanson to either pay him 12 billion Pesos or beat Battle Kid, but both proved impossible in the Evil Governments influences. But now, there was no negotiation. He would be released regardless now. As Maven Hogan tore the doors open with his rippling pythons, he found the Carbonite slab and lifted it over his head in victory, “Its time to go home, Leigh...it's time for you to be the Sexbang once more...”

Continued in **Beaglesaurus Chapter XI: The Thief Stolen, Now Returned**


End file.
